By Kristiina Krank | 7 April 2024 - | 4 minutes reading
Feedback | At work | Relationships | NVC | Course
Many people I meet can find ”giving feedback” tricky. Maybe you're worried that the other person will hear what you're saying as criticism, that they'll start to argue, defend themselves or be offended by what you've said? Or you don't really know what to say so that what you want to say can land in a way that the recipient understands what you are basing your feedback on.
If you see or hear a person doing something you don't like, there are several ways to deal with it.
If you feel annoyed, disappointed, frustrated or sad, it's time to see what's going on inside you first (self-empathy) before you express yourself. Otherwise, you may be coming from a place of thinking that the other person has done wrong, you may be using judgements about the other person or you may be locked into a specific way of doing things. Sorting out what you have noticed and what is important to you first will increase the chances that you will have more clarity about constructive ways of dealing with the situation. Nurturing the relationship with the other person is also an important aspect of having a good dialogue and increasing the possibility of clearing up any misunderstandings and finding solutions that work in the long run and for both parties involved.
In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), we can use these steps to help us listen to ourselves:
- What did I see someone else do or say? OBSERVATION __________________________
- What do I feel in my body when I see/hear this? FEELING _________________________________
- What needs do I have that are not met? BEHOV_____________________________________________________
- What do I want to ask myself or someone else to do to meet my needs? ÖNSKEMÅL_______________________
As we sort ourselves out more, there tends to be a shift, i.e. we may not feel as irritated, disappointed or sad. We have created an understanding around our own reaction, rather than ”thinking” that the other person is wrong or has done wrong.
In the next step, we can start thinking about what we are going to say. If we say that the other person hasn't done a good job or is bad, there is a risk that the other person will become defensive or withdraw. This will most likely lead to the relationship becoming more tense and the work will not be affected for the better. It will also be unclear what it is you actually want the person to do differently. They may perceive you as being unclear or accusatory - and the argument is on.
So if you think about what it was that bothered you (OBSERVATION) and what you want instead (NEED), you will go some way towards expressing yourself more clearly. If you use language that is concrete, it is easier for the other person to follow without ”feeling” accused (accused is actually a so-called ”emotional thought” and not a feeling.
To find out more about words for feelings, emotions and needs, go to Resources.
Example:
”When I see that the report has not been submitted and the deadline expired five days ago (OBSERVATION), I would like you to finalise and submit it to me in 3 days at the latest. Can you do that? (NEED-BASED REQUEST).”
Here we can usefully ask a question where the other person can tell us if they can say yes to what we want. We may not have the full picture of why the person is late in submitting the report and their reasons may give us more understanding. If we make a statement ”Submit the report in five days” without waiting for a response, we will not have an open and relatable dialogue. We also don't know if the person will be able to do what we ask.
If we have sorted out our own feelings and needs, it is also easier to respond to the other person with warmth. Warmth shows that you care about the relationship, that you are interested in the other person's perspective and in having a shared reality and joint creation and genuine co-operation. Not just being annoyed and taking it out on the other person or just thinking about how you want it to be.
Many of us probably have experiences of receiving feedback that was perceived as criticism, perhaps at school when we were growing up or in other contexts of learning, and therefore we may not be entirely positive about giving feedback. Constructive feedback with warmth can be something we can value and see as a gift, both to you, the other person and a workplace. Instead of walking around in silence being annoyed or spouting off with irritation, we can express ourselves where we are in touch with ourselves, that we take responsibility for our own feelings and needs and that we want to work together to develop both our relationships and/or an organisation. We also learn to distinguish between what we say and what the other person hears. If the other person hears criticism, the other person has not heard what you meant. With the tools NVC offers, we can recognise these processes in our communication and increase our ability to create clarity, trust and cooperation. The fact that we come from a place where our intention is to do good is important.
If you want to know more about how to give constructive feedback, Marika Christiansson, certified trainer, and I will be holding a course via zoom on ”Increasing the ability to co-operate in relationships in your life, at home and in the workplace”,
14, 21 and 28 May 2024. Read more under Calendar